Threads of Gender

A whole year of not getting divorced! Hurray!

When you tell people you’re transgender, the very first thought that pops into their head without fail is whether or not you’ve had SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery) yet. I use the term SRS because sex is about genitals and gender is about the brain. We transition gender and modify our sex to match our gender, but I know everyone has their preferential term.

So, what is so entrancing and defining about SRS that makes it the de facto question on most Cis people’s tongues when they learn about your gender variance?

Well first, let’s just get it in writing. SRS is NOT necessary to be a happy, healthy trans woman or man. There are loads of non-operative women and even more non-op men out there. Surgery is expensive and not without potential complications. In America, most people do not have coverage for the surgery in their insurance plans. I actually do, but I’ll get to that later.

So why is it that after 60 years of transgender visibility in America and the Western world, do we as a country and civilization have such a fixation on surgery. Well, part of it is the fact that 99% of biological men have penises and 99% of genetic women have vaginas. There are exceptions from the intersex and chromosomally aberrant communities, but these are only acknowledged by us more aware people in the various variant communities. So it’s easy to equate SRS with transition, I suppose.

But I think it’s also dangerous for the young trans people among us to focus on surgery as the point of transition from gender to gender. I’ve seen it on Reddit posts, where people think they “might not be trans” because they don’t want surgery. We need to dispel this post haste.

I call this The Pinocchio Surgery, because Pinocchio wasn’t a “real boy” until the fairy came and granted his wish to be a real boy with the stroke of her magic wand. This seems to be the average person’s conception of transition from male to female or vice versa. I was talking to a trans female friend of mine about this, and I said “I wish there was a magic wand that could finish the transition in a moment! Sign me up!”

So, I have coverage for SRS or GRS or whatever you want to call it from my work’s insurance. My employer is very progressive and have taken the brain dead obvious choice of covering surgery and hormones for trans employees. I just can’t understand why this is not more widespread. I work for a company of thousands, and there have been about 6 of us that have transitioned on the job. I think I was 4th lol.

Let’s change the narrative here folks. Surgery is an afterthought for the majority of trans people. It is medically necessary for those who deeply detest their equipment and need the surgery to feel whole, but this is not all of us. We need a more inclusive and tolerant understanding of trans issues in this country.

I have a bad habit of leaving the ashes of the incense where it fell. You’ll also notice I use a ring box for my incense holder. Nothing better than finding use out of old broken relationships, right? So this has to be like 8 months of ashes here.

One of those lines of ashes happened when I finally stopped caring about people looking at me. That’s one of those tipping point things, where everything just sort of comes into alignment, and you’re free. I don’t think I even realized that I was over caring until a little while later. Anyway…

One of those lines of ashes happened when I had my first birthday as a female, as Abbie. I got lots of great feminine presents from my wonderful family, although it seems like an eternity ago. Time stretches out when its contents are so turbulent.

One of those lines of ashes happened when I had my first real crush as a woman, which of course was so silly and stupid and catastrophic that it would easily play as a 14 year old girl crush on TV. Oh transition, the roads on which you take us.

One of those lines of ashes was recently when I decided to move from where I’ve lived for a while. I settled here after my separation, and I thought I would be able to see my babies from here, but alas, that was not to be. So, as part of a big freaking mess of a Fall of emotions, I decided to make a change.

One of those lines of ashes is from when got my new job.

One of them is from when I knew I wouldn’t see my children for a long time. It’s funny because half of me is kicking the other half saying “Don’t Think about it!,” and the other half is like “Yeah…but…I kinda want to even though it’s a terrible trap of despair.” I do great at cocktail parties with that level of indecision. What’s a cocktail party?

So, now it’s time to blow it away with the new year. Maybe I’ll polish it with some Pledge.

Reset…

Well, when it’s on the internet. Someone told me he “keeps his pimp hand ready” when I told him he was very creative for thinking of so many ways to beat up women. I think men are very threatened these days, and women are something they eternally don’t understand. Women on the other hand, are doing much better than they used to. Straight men are such odd, anachronistic animals.

Last New Year’s Eve, I was a different person. I was a year younger, and I had hope. I had hope in spades. Some might say that hope is delusion, but I say that hope is life, and evil is the death of hope.

So the year went on, and I was challenged. Some people like to run marathons, and I suppose that can be interesting, but life is a marathon for me. I battled in court all year to see the children I haven’t seen in seven months as of this New Year’s Eve. I hit the proverbial “wall” back in July or so when the whole machine of life seemed bent on holding me down to watch my life disintegrate. I made missteps and fell and got back up. I’ve grown darker and more cynical, but I still know how to light up a child’s face with a wink.

Those vexed to defeat me have defeated me in a way. I’ve retreated so that I do not run my tired body to the point of death and spiritual exhaustion.

I wanted an amicable divorce, but my new path is not compatible with theirs as theirs is not with mine.

For the last seven months I’ve pleaded and pleaded to the point of getting a restraining order just to see my children. If I were to detail every last communication here, there would only be sadness. I will never see my youngest son’s first year. It’s gone.

Sometimes when I’m really sobbing now, my overbite reminds of my oldest son’s goofy buck tooth grin, and my heart is broken beyond anything I’ve ever felt in my life.

Christmas 2012 was the hardest day yet of my life. I don’t know if 2013 will bring greater depths, but I’ll just keep on going.

We think that we live in this sort of Disneyland existence in America in 2013, but there is real horror here. It’s just dressed up in a cutesy outfit, but it’s still there conspiring against us with a ghastly grin on its face.

So here’s to 2013. I hope that I won’t see true evil when my last bit of hope dies. I just want to see my children grow up.

Abbie

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its shams, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

-Max Ehrmann

My new warning is “Don’t pick a fight with someone whose had to fight her entire life. You’ll lose.”

Be yourself, not who you fear. Being bigendered is difficult. Living outside of the binary is hard because you don’t have any role models. Sure, there are gender ambiguous people everywhere, but it’s still difficult. People just don’t understand and can’t put you into a box. Whatever…

I think I’m pretty transparent. If you read my blog, you know who I am. I don’t believe in secrets. I don’t believe in Beatles…wait, wrong speech.

It’s mostly all there. I have a few precious morsels that you’ll probably never see. Gotta save something, right? When things are falling apart, be it on a personal (me) or social level, you gotta be smart, but you have to be honest. Honesty is more valuable than gold. But yeah, gotta keep those morsels to be safe and all.

My God it feels like Friday to me. But it just be Tuesday. Friday is TGICAF, not TGIF. TGICAF stands for Thank God it’s Consciousness Altering Friday! ;)

Peace not be unto him but unto you.

Abbie

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You’re a slave to money then you die

I think we all need a little perspective about the whole end of the world thing. Just think about all the terrible crap that will be deleted! No more homophobia or transphobia. No more terrorism. No more taxes! No more, well that terrible, awful, no-good, horrible stuff! So relax, thank God, and ride the escalator to the end…

Damn, nothin will drive the transgender girl to the Valhalla that she needs than my old good friends Andre 3000 and Big Boi singing, no sangin some “Rosa Parks.” I love me some Outkast. I know I’m appropriating minority language, but ya’ll can kiss my ass. :)

The subjugated person is merely a prisoner whose walls are composed of the lack of money and/or power which creates the bars that are the barriers to entry into the status quo. Though we are all prisoners on a cardinal spectrum, some more some less, the transgender individual is at such a base level of power and therefore a great level of subjugation that he/she/other becomes qualitatively bound to a greater level than the average person. We have a special place in hell, to be more succinct.

Does anger reinforce the bars or soften them? I’m not sure. Possibly stoic resolve is the jailer’s key. Is bliss what makes us walk through walls? Can we really escape?

Hello, hello, hello! How goes the lonely, tattered world of the transgender circus? I’ve just come from my Endocrinologist and received some top notch transgender care. Really, the care of a doctor that just treats you like a person or a woman and not like some sort of lab-rat curiosity is world class treatment for #girlslikeus. :D

Dr. John O’Dea specializes in transgender endocrinology, and I was blessed by the trans-faeries (are all faeries trans?) to meet him. It’s quite funny going into his practice, because he doesn’t bill insurance. So what does that mean? It means he doesn’t have an army of accountant/medical clerks to herd and watch over. It’s such a calm environment. Now, his cost can be a little prohibitive to some because he only accepts payment up front. Hormones that are used in conventional care are cheap, but the hormones he uses are compounded specifically for his practice. For me, it’s worth the cost, for a number of reasons.

First, let me explain his primary method of Hormone Replacement Therapy. By the way, he also treats menopausal genetic women. He is an advocate of the usage of sub-dermal, dense pellets of hormones. They look like this:

They are inserted after the area has been cleaned, disinfected, and anesthetized. The Estrogen pellets last for up to 6 months, but after 3-4 months, new pellets should be implanted. This is because there is a drop-off in the levels of hormones being introduced into the body as the pellets slowly get dissolved. It’s pretty straightforward. The levels of Estrogen have been titrated by the good doctor to not only suppress the production of Testosterone but also begin and promote the process of feminization in the genetically male body.

Next, after you have been on the pellets for some time, he might add in a pellet of Testosterone. Now, I know you’re thinking “Testosterone is the enemy! Why would I want more of it?” Well, genetic women produce small amounts of testosterone in their ovaries which contribute to proper muscle tone, sexual functioning, and many other wonderful and natural outcomes. You might also say “Abbie! I already have testes, can’t they make the Testosterone for free?” Well, because the Estrogen from the pellets is at such a high level to push the body from masculine to feminine, the feedback loop that the brain uses to signal for T production goes dormant. The Pellets are basically your new reproductive organs. You’re not really a cyborg, but I guess you could pass if you wanted to. :)

One last thing, Dr. O’Dea also supplements with Progestins. I say Progestins and not progesterone because, well he can go into that later when I do an interview with him. Basically, he has a specially compounded formula of Progestins that he administers every 6 weeks or so via an intramuscular injection. Although the usage of Progestins or synthetic progesterone is considered “controversial,” Dr. O’Dea feels that:

"When estrogens are administered, particularly in generous dosage, the concomitant use of progesterone appears to offset the mental side effects of the estrogens, and both progesterone and progestins powerfully complement estrogen as both a feminizing and especially a demasculinizing force. They particularly stimulate breast development and both nipple development and nipple sensitivity."

I’m in process of doing a full interview with Dr. O’Dea about his approach and philosophy. I hope to have that up here soon!

Links:

O’Dea Medical Hormone Centers

I used to attend a certain anonymous group, and I learned a lot of simple wisdom.

"Fake it till you make it" - Basically, I apply this to my blog. I want to have a greater reach, but progress is slow. But you gotta just look like you know what you’re doing until you really kinda do. :)

When I logged onto my old World of Warcraft account and changed my main male character into a female. If only it were so easy in life…