The recognition that you are transgender can be totally magical. You’ve been struggling with this existential monkey on your back for so long, and you are completely exhausted. You’re trudging on and on, forward, your back growing more hunched with each year. People look at you and tell you how normal you are, and you try and believe them. You say “I’ll figure it out pretty soon, hell I have this new job and that will solve it!” But, then it’s back to pushing that boulder.
And people around you start to get a little agitated because you’re always in sort of a sour mood. You’re not angry, but you just seem frustrated with life. They say that you always focus on the negative, and you should just get your act together. Every now and then you have these nights where you might be drunk or something, and you just feel so free and loose, and then you wake up, and it’s back on the treadmill.
You start sleeping a lot and putting things off. They just don’t seem that important. A couple of times you might ask yourself “What kind of freak am I?” “How come I can’t just get it together?” “Why does everything always fall apart?”
And you might try drinking more often or using some other thing to bring down the voice in the back of your head just for a little while, so your shoulders don’t seem so tight every day. That just makes it even more chaotic, because your girlfriend or boy just can’t handle that you always leave messes around and can’t take care of normal, daily shit.
Sometimes you might take a walk around the block just to get out of the house, and you look off into the distance and you see a bridge covered in fog, and you think “that might be a good way to go…” but you just keep walking and put your head down.
You even think you might be gay or a lesbian and that would totally solve all of your problems. Finally! a group that accepts me. But, after a while, you start thinking there might just be something different between you and these friends. You can’t really name it, even though you are a little bit happier. You smile a lot at parties and go to sleep earlier than everyone else.
So, one night when you’re all alone, and your other is sleeping soundly in the room upstairs, and you’ve had probably too much to drink, but who’s counting. You remember that you got a prescription from a new doctor that you totally think is going to fix all of your problems. And you think “if I just down that bottle, I might get some peace and rest, finally…”
But you don’t do it. And you wake up the next day, and the sun is rising as you realize you slept on the couch. You sit up and slowly remember the night before, and then this feeling hits you. It’s small at first, but it starts growing. It’s like an energy, and you really don’t know what it is, but it’s still growing. And then you know it’s like anger, and frustration, and hate, and sadness, and longing, and being lost, and crying out to the world like you are on a cliff begging for someone to be listening.
And you fall over on the couch, and you say “I give up. I can’t do this anymore.” Then you hear a noise behind your head as your girl walks in groggy to see what happened, and she says “you know there is this Pride event next week that my friend invited me to, but I don’t think you’ll be interested, but do you wanna come?” And you just stare for a minute at her.
And the anger and frustration and hate and sadness and longing and being lost just pours out of your eyes, and you start crying, and you say to your girl that…I think…well…I know…that…I…I’m…transgender…
And the room just kind of goes silent but not bad silent, and she comes over and sits next to you and leans against you with her head down and says quietly “I…love…you…and I want to be there for you, and anything you need to say or feel you just tell me, and we’ll get through this.”
And all the anger, frustration, hate, sadness, longing, and being lost just explodes into an amazing feeling of relief and happiness and joy that you’ve never felt before in your life, and you just can’t even think, and you just lose your senses and cry and start telling her everything and it’s…just better, for the first time in your life.
This is kind of how it feels to recognize who you really are. But really no words can express it because it’s just too beautiful.