The World is changing one thread at a time

What's the problem if a boy wants to put on a dress or girls act masculine? →

"The boy/girl divide gets even more pronounced as kids get older, but there’s more of a stigma for boys who cross it than for girls. Most progressive parents these days will buy their daughters building blocks or sign her up for a sports team, but they’re a lot less likely to get their son a baby doll or sign him up for ballet. Kids, though, are natural gender-transgressors. Of course they soak up our cultural gender norms and respond accordingly, and even the most feminist parent can attest that it’s impossible to keep a daughter totally protected from Disney Princess mania or a son entirely away from war and gun play."

Just a little

We’re here, we’re queer. Get used to it.

To the funny man who stared as I smoked in front of the grocery store, as he walked to his car, loaded his groceries, and returned his cart. I continually and casually locked his gaze with the simple curiosity of a woman trying to determine the motive of said aging and staring funny man. Then, when he got into his car, he stared one last time and did a little head shake motion as if to express some sort of emotion.

What troubled the funny man so? My assertive passivity? My height? My square jaw? My multi-layered outfit that sprung out of my closet to greet the return of fall?

Do I appear queer in the classical sense? Maybe that’s the thing. Who knows.

Funny, staring man can drive perplexed with confused impertinence back to his calm satiety of order and appropriateness.

I’m here. I’m a little bit queer.

What’s up?

My Two Year Anniversary Recap

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   Things are on the upswing for me! Finally. I was so naive when I started my transition. You can’t blame me for a lot of it. You see the naked truth about people when you come out as trans. It’s such a litmus test. Trans acceptance is going to be a real watershed event for Western society if and when it happens (I think it will). It’s one of those things that’s really hard for people to put into their nice little neat boxes. Anyway, I digress.

   I’ll be two years old on September 1st. To quote the late Jerry Garcia, what a long strange trip it’s been. And it’s only getting started! I feel so invigorated and full of life after living as a walking shell for thirty years. When I first started “waking up” I looked at my male wardrobe, and it was all grey and blue and bland, the perfect metaphor for where I was. I was just trying to disappear, never should anyone know what lurked beneath the surface, including me!

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Tone

   Until my transgender sisters of color stop getting treated like Jews in Nazi Germany, I’m not going to shut up and play nice. Some people want to just gather round the campfire and sing Kum-by-yah, while transgender people of color get treated worse than any other group in our society. That’s not me. This shit is over.

   Now this doesn’t mean antagonizing everyone; we have to be smart in our fight against the hate mongers and devils out there. Ultimately what we seek is peace and unity of all peoples. But this is being actively threatened right now.

   In thirty years or whatever when I get to pass my torch to the next generation it’s going to be brighter than when I got it. I’m not going to say “it’s too bad nothing changed…”

   You don’t have to fight if you don’t want to fight. But I want to. And yes, just as white people joined in the civil rights struggle 60 years ago, cis people will join us and we will be stronger for it.

   If all you can do is speak up, then that is the most awesome thing you can do.

Live Out of Line!

If you are struggling against the incredible weight being heaped on you by a system that hates you and wants you to fall in line like a good drone, you can’t always survive on your own. Reach out, even if it’s just to the internet. I can’t emphasize enough that therapy helps to make people stronger.

Don’t fool yourself. They hate you. You challenge them. If you step outside of the line of drones, you question their entire life. People are so invested in the system that their brains go into “does not compute” loops when they see something that challenges it.

Be strong. Know that you are right. You are the future. Each one of us that steps out of line makes the line weaker and our kind stronger. Honestly, I’m not sure where speaking out will lead me. I’ve already not seen my children for 14 months because the courts treat me as some sort of drug addled psycho, being trans.

I won’t stop being me though!

We’re all going to be famous someday!!* [some restrictions may apply]

I’ve posted 1,333 times in 14 months. Who says I don’t have a life?! Oh yeah, I’m the one that says it. <sad face>

Well, we’re going to have to do something about that! From now on I only post from Starbucks, in the corner, alone. But then I’ll have a life right? 

Maybe if I post from a dance club, in the corner, alone, I’ll have a life! 

This doesn’t seem to be going anywhere…

When is the time going to arrive when transgender people are worshipped? I’m hoping next week. I have an outfit picked out and everything. I even have the special wave thingie down. Bring on the fame!!

Genderqueer

I think I’d rather go by Genderqueer these days. I just don’t care about being strictly “female.” However, I won’t publicly. Trans is already mind numbingly confusing to cis people. I’d rather just keep things as simple as I can for them. “What are you male or female?” “Neither” “does not compute, does not compute…”

Transgender people are crazy?!?!

People that think transgender people are crazy have no idea how mind-blowingly awful society is. If someone wants to wear a slightly different style of clothing, that’s TABOO!!! ACK!! If a person of the male persuasion wants to put some colored goop on his or her face, that’s so TABOO!!! AHHH!!! Run for the hills! Oh wait Ancient Egyptian men wore makeup. Yeah but…

I’m full on transgender, and I think I’m a bit of an extreme case as far as “gender variation” is concerned, but why are the gender roles so stupefyingly rigid? Why are people thrown into fits of rage when they even consider a man wearing a slightly different style of attire? Do you not think there might be a major malfunction in your society when this is the status quo? What is wrong with America and the world? Are transgender people aliens sent from some blessed, progressive future?

Again, most of being transgender is about wearing different clothes or maybe taking your shirt off in public etc. These are not earth-shattering concepts. Can we just fast-forward to the Enlightenment 2.0 please? Doesn’t dragging your knuckles on the ground start to hurt after a while?

I’m retreating to my basement, with my new dehumidifier. Maybe we can get a device that removes all of the choking ignorance from the air around here.

At least I can still laugh. And I have my cat. Two things that keep me going.

The Gendometer 5000!

   Spectrum, spectrum, spectrum. The magical word that defines us gender variant people. A good 80% of the population just sees gender as Black and White, but us outliers have seen something a little bit different. We didn’t fit into the nice and neat categories that were carved out for us. The choices often come down to are you a square or a triangle? We only have square and triangle holes here. And we sadly reply: “But I’m a rhombus…”
   Well Rhombi or Rhombuses of the world, have no fear! Because today we have the brand new Gendometer 5000! Yes, it works with the male and female binaries that the cistem loves so much, but it lets you be all wibbly wobbly and move all over the spectrum from day to day!
   Are you Male to Female but you want to watch baseball? Well, just turn that dial a little to the blue side, and voila! Or for those Female to Male folks who sometimes long to use a little bit of makeup to cover up an imperfection, give the Gendometer 5000 a tweak to the pink side! Problem solved!
   No more confusion and worry about mixing baseball caps with skirts! No longer will you have to decide between wearing high heels and owning a big truck. You can have it all! The Gendometer 5000 is here for you!

   We have variable payment plans. You can use cash yes, but you can also purchase a brand new Gendometer 5000 by just being whoever the fuck you want to be! We take Authenticity in Visa or Mastercard.

   Be aware that returns are possible but highly discouraged. Side effects from using the Gendometer 5000 may include giddiness, pride, happiness, courage, strength, self-actualization, wisdom, and peace of mind. Sadly there is no User Manual for the Gendometer 5000. We are working on that for the 6000!

So Call Now! They’re going fast! Millions of people are realizing that rigid gender binaries are a thing of the past and freedom comes with the Gendometer 5000!

How it feels to finally say to the world that this is who I am

   The recognition that you are transgender can be totally magical. You’ve been struggling with this existential monkey on your back for so long, and you are completely exhausted. You’re trudging on and on, forward, your back growing more hunched with each year. People look at you and tell you how normal you are, and you try and believe them. You say “I’ll figure it out pretty soon, hell I have this new job and that will solve it!” But, then it’s back to pushing that boulder.
   And people around you start to get a little agitated because you’re always in sort of a sour mood. You’re not angry, but you just seem frustrated with life. They say that you always focus on the negative, and you should just get your act together. Every now and then you have these nights where you might be drunk or something, and you just feel so free and loose, and then you wake up, and it’s back on the treadmill.
   You start sleeping a lot and putting things off. They just don’t seem that important. A couple of times you might ask yourself “What kind of freak am I?” “How come I can’t just get it together?” “Why does everything always fall apart?”
   And you might try drinking more often or using some other thing to bring down the voice in the back of your head just for a little while, so your shoulders don’t seem so tight every day. That just makes it even more chaotic, because your girlfriend or boy just can’t handle that you always leave messes around and can’t take care of normal, daily shit.
   Sometimes you might take a walk around the block just to get out of the house, and you look off into the distance and you see a bridge covered in fog, and you think “that might be a good way to go…” but you just keep walking and put your head down.
   You even think you might be gay or a lesbian and that would totally solve all of your problems. Finally! a group that accepts me. But, after a while, you start thinking there might just be something different between you and these friends. You can’t really name it, even though you are a little bit happier. You smile a lot at parties and go to sleep earlier than everyone else.
   So, one night when you’re all alone, and your other is sleeping soundly in the room upstairs, and you’ve had probably too much to drink, but who’s counting. You remember that you got a prescription from a new doctor that you totally think is going to fix all of your problems. And you think “if I just down that bottle, I might get some peace and rest, finally…”
   But you don’t do it. And you wake up the next day, and the sun is rising as you realize you slept on the couch. You sit up and slowly remember the night before, and then this feeling hits you. It’s small at first, but it starts growing. It’s like an energy, and you really don’t know what it is, but it’s still growing. And then you know it’s like anger, and frustration, and hate, and sadness, and longing, and being lost, and crying out to the world like you are on a cliff begging for someone to be listening.
   And you fall over on the couch, and you say “I give up. I can’t do this anymore.” Then you hear a noise behind your head as your girl walks in groggy to see what happened, and she says “you know there is this Pride event next week that my friend invited me to, but I don’t think you’ll be interested, but do you wanna come?” And you just stare for a minute at her.
   And the anger and frustration and hate and sadness and longing and being lost just pours out of your eyes, and you start crying, and you say to your girl that…I think…well…I know…that…I…I’m…transgender…

   And the room just kind of goes silent but not bad silent, and she comes over and sits next to you and leans against you with her head down and says quietly “I…love…you…and I want to be there for you, and anything you need to say or feel you just tell me, and we’ll get through this.”
   And all the anger, frustration, hate, sadness, longing, and being lost just explodes into an amazing feeling of relief and happiness and joy that you’ve never felt before in your life, and you just can’t even think, and you just lose your senses and cry and start telling her everything and it’s…just better, for the first time in your life.

   This is kind of how it feels to recognize who you really are. But really no words can express it because it’s just too beautiful.

Wakeup!

I just want to shake things up. Being transgender is such a drag! ;) we’re special, and we shouldn’t listen to the haters with their monotonous blabber about God and “the children!” and “it’s just not natural!” Pish posh my silly status quo friends. We’re here. We’re trans. Get used to it.

Transgender Culture

There is no transgender culture. It’s a ragtag collection of sadness and survival and hope and demise. We need role models who are professional and well spoken and intelligent. There are only about 3 well known transgender people in America, maybe 4. This is sad. We as a people need to rise up and rectify this situation. I know I’m just writing some blog to no one on the internet, but I’m angry, because there is so much sadness in our community. So here are some of my thoughts.

A. We need to have a consensus on the Porn situation.
   a. Does transgender pornography degrade all transgender people?
   b. Do transgender porn stars use the degrading names for themselves that litter the internet?
   c. Obviously pornography is not going away, but our representation is awful, and it is almost the only stereotype that exists for our young sisters.

B. Can we stop using the word tranny?
   a. I hate the word. I wish it would die. If there were a vote I would hope it would be swiftly deposed.
   b. Some older generation people like using the word. I don’t know how to feel about this.

C. Do we want to have pride in being transgender at all?
   a. Living stealth sucks the pride out of our community one person at a time. I understand this desire, but I can’t live that way. I’m too mixed up in it now, and I care too much about the kids.
   b. We need to establish a certain level of camaraderie with our brothers and sisters. We know that they exist, but we don’t have a united cause.
   c. I have a ton of pride in being transgender. I think I’m special. I don’t think I’m a mistake or anything like that. Evolutionary theory tosses that out of the water.

D. How do we bring Male and Female Transgender people together?
   a. I have to admit that I don’t interact with a lot of male transgender people. I have some friends on Facebook, but I kind of live in a female bubble. I think this needs to change, at least for me.

This is just a start. I think we need to start the conversation.

Liberation

To think that I can proudly walk the streets of Portland OR as an empowered transgender woman and be accepted as a part of society. This is what we’re fighting for. This is the place of the future. Where the past is girls get cat called in awful flyover state degeneration.

Here is the place that the transgender woman is proud. And humble of course. Or trying to be. Where the spirit of the two spirit or genderqueer or the trans liberated gender fuck.

She walks boldly, in wedges, even though I’m 6’1” because I’m here and I want to share the things I’ve learned in my struggle with you. To the people who are asleep. We’ve come to wake you up. Your liberation is our awakening.

So, the American, the gender fearing queer American must explode, and I’m gonna walk in my wedges and I’m going to have the best day of my life.