The World is unraveling one thread at a time

As I come to a fork in my path, I must sit and rest and think

Over the last two years, my soul and mind and aura have been cultivated by belief and prayer and meditation. Sometimes this is aided by chemicals to help me attain trance states so that I can access higher levels of consciousness. This journey has been arduous and lonely and scary. I consider myself a modern day American Shaman. Even though our society is ruled and defined by technology and those with no confidence in the ways of old society, those ways still exist. I have been shown their power and reality.

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And then I stopped the video for I was moved to play my music. And rising from my recline, I lifted my guitar and played two songs. The first is for a girl that made me mad with desire but who never returned a single kiss. The second is for another girl who lived on the other side of the planet whom I never met but moved me as well. And when I had half finished the second song, I saw flashes of scenes where I had never been, but were all familiar, and they were other lives. And the lyric to the second song is “Lucy are you crying; I’ll meet you on the other side,” and 24 hours prior I had been to the other side in a Shamanic sojourn where the spirits let my body die for some 3 hours, and I ventured down to Styx to see what was the matter, and rising from that hell, I glimpsed at God at the gates and plead for my mercy, and the angels sung my praises of Abbie and Mark and all the rest.

And I was placed in the heavens as one who was a god, but do not think that this is pomposity for being a god is more a chore than a gift; every sneeze can move the Earth and tear apart the continents, and therefore it is more sadness and trust in fate than anything else. The only good thing about being a god is the recognition for your past travails, the trophies to your sadness.

And the whole of my journey up the immortal ladder was laid plain, and now I know why I am so impatient in this life, because the tale is wearing thin, and I have much to say, having slaved for so many eons. I cannot even finish a movie without playing two songs and writing about their movements on my heart.

And I have no love, and I fear I’ll have to go around the world to find one, having grown dispirited with this continent and its children.

Paul Walker died

I don’t know him, but he seems like he was an alright dude. But, death happens. So make the world better now. Not tomorrow. If you smile and get over something dumb right now, you’ve made the world a brighter place. We’re here to live. And to live is to love the shit out of this world. So go and do the dumbest, smallest, most insignificant, but secretly totally positive thing you can think of.

He was cute for sure. I always kind of wrote him off as kinda dumb, but he usually was smiling, so I doubt I was right. If smiling is the thing that you think of.

Do it.


Love or something like it

True desire and the pursuit of real love is either fate filled religion or stark, regretful madness. I’m tormented and satisfied by both options. However, I’m probably alone because of it.

Why? Why?!?

Why am I attracted to the wrong kind of people. It’s hopeless. What’s wrong with me? Am I cursed to fawn after hopeless drug addicts and jailbirds and math teachers? Is there a cure for such a condition? Please help me out here people!

Such is the life of a lonely transgender girl in 2013. What?? I thought this would all be fixed by now! What’s the deal future?

Love OR Take Me To Your Leader

[this picture is of Popocatépetl a volcano in central Mexico 8/9/13]

The hardest part about having love to share is watching someone turn it down because they think it’s a trick. People are so frightened because they’ve been lied to so much. It’s heartbreaking. Love is here. Now is the time to let go and be happy and feel joy. Most of our sadness is borne of our expectations of sadness. We assume that we will be sad in the future, and this makes us even more sad. What if I told you that from this day forward, the amount of sadness in the world would shrink every day. Each day would have just a little less sadness. Well that would be something to get excited about right?

Humanity has progressed far enough that we can now enter a new age. The Mayans were pretty much right. These 2012 ding dongs were close, but I’ll still give them a cigar. It’s not about spiritual hokey shmokey nonsense. Well, that stuff is good too, but let me explain.

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To my buddies

So basically my <insert special word here> ex decided that I’m a little too raw to raise my own flesh and blood. Seems like the courts of California didn’t have a problem with that argument too. So, quandary.

Should I stay or should I go oh!

I think I’ll keep working on myself up in Portland. Learning how to be the best damn example of a parent I can be. Showing my kids what real freedom and positivity is. Living my life as an example so that they have something to look up to when they get out of the dungeon.

I love you boys. I just can’t win right now. It sucks. Trust me. We’ll catch up soon.

You can call me papa or maddie or Abbie whatever you choose.



Where is my flower?

Oh to find my flower some day. But the flowers I find all have thorns. Where is the young girl with the open, broken heart that will heal mine? I have so much to give, I always have, but none will be the taker. Sigh…


I had an amazing massage/reflexology treatment on Sunday that pretty much unlocked all of the blockers of my chi energy. Then that night I cried for like an hour as all of the sadness left me that had been blocked for months or years. Then all was well and more and I was filled with incredible joy. I sent that energy out into the world for all to share. Positive energy is real. It exists and must be freed.

Love or something like it

I didn’t feel much before I transitioned. Now I feel like a 12 year old girl when I get feelings for anyone. I’m like “Do you like me? Yes or No?” But usually it’s no. I know I don’t always pass or whatever, but I get depressed about being alone. All these new feelings and no one to share them with. Oh well. “Someday my Princess will come…”

Until then I’m a derpy 12 year old.


A neat Gif that explains the progression of same sex marriage law, 1970 - this morning.

This is basically a theater of war map, or a proxy version thereof. Think of the countless thousands of suicides and ruined lives constituting the apt blackness. And then think about the proud expression of joy and self in the pink and red! Death and Life! Life must win with love its only weapon!


A neat Gif that explains the progression of same sex marriage law, 1970 - this morning.

This is basically a theater of war map, or a proxy version thereof. Think of the countless thousands of suicides and ruined lives constituting the apt blackness. And then think about the proud expression of joy and self in the pink and red! Death and Life! Life must win with love its only weapon!

(via chel-angel)

My Thoughts on How We Might Heal Our World

    If you look at a culture from an evolutionary perspective, in that you are taking into account the idea that certain behaviors will be rewarded and certain behaviors will be discouraged, you can start to see a few simple patterns. If our culture devalues artistic and spiritual expression, the people who would have normally embodied those things would start to be set aside and made to feel less important. We make the lives of the artists and the sensitive people unbearable to the point that they just decide to check out. They can either check out quickly through suicide or slowly through addiction.

   However, the problem is that the people who are the addicts are often the most valuable people to that society. It’s just that our society is ignorant of their worth. We’ve elevated qualities like precision, strength, and control to these lofty levels while relegating things like creativity, intuition, and empathy to the dust bin of sociological importance.

   So what do you get when you have a society that is devoid of empathy and care and intuition? Look around you. Our society is regularly described as chaotic and violent and cruel. The artistic and sensitive people have jumped ship a long time ago. The spiritual guides have slowly snuck out the back door while no one was watching. One by one, the people who realized that they weren’t wanted, left.

   What do we do? Well, I’m not sure yet. I’m working on myself. I have my means and my beliefs. Some of this is not going to be revealed I suppose until things get a little bit worse. People are scared. They don’t know who to turn to anymore. It seems as if there is no sure footing on which to stabilize oneself anymore. It is scary. I agree.

   I just have my faith. I’ve had some hokey experiences over the last few years that have made me think that maybe there is something greater than us out there. I’m a scientific person. I know how to logically pick something apart and put it back together. However, things have happened in my life, that I can’t explain with mere logic and reason. I’m the last person that would want to say that he or she has a direct line to the almighty. I loathe hypocrites and charlatans more than about just anything.

    My beliefs are simple though. If you believe that God or whatever is up there is just pure love and understanding, then you don’t have to worry about death. If you’re not worried about death, well then things get a lot more manageable. I don’t think you go into a fiery furnace for all eternity when you die no matter what you’ve done. That God is not my God.

   We are in love with fear in this country. Fear is our safety blanket. If we know what we need to fear, then things are alright. To me, this is absolute nonsense, but it’s all that I see on TV whenever I watch TV, which I rarely do. Human beings weren’t meant to compete and fight over scraps to the death. There’s no reason for that kind of behavior. The fear has turned us into something lower than the animals.

   Anyway, I’m a bit sad today for a couple of reasons, but I know that the only path that I can take that is worthwhile is the path of love. Love is the creative force which makes things grow. Fear and its cousin hate are the destructive forces which serve no better purpose than to destroy, and we don’t need any more destruction in this world.

   If you love someone, you can help their spirit to grow. Then their spirit can shine and help another heart to heal. We have the power within our hearts to be human again. We just have to pause and remember that all of the answers to our problems are right inside waiting to be found.

Interesting events

So the last few days have been mind blowing for me. Things have happened that have solidified my faith in my worldview. I’m still trying to interpret and understand them. I feel as though they are life altering. I hope to be able to use my gifts to bring love to a world that is starving for it. More to come of course. I love you all. The universe loves you. You have nothing to fear. Love can conquer all.

Transition and Personality

To the outside observer, when someone like me transitions (I was 30 and “male” acting), it can look like that person has become a completely different person. But that’s not what happens as far as I can feel. I’ve used a metaphor when trying to explain my transition to my brothers. Most people know what a mixer board is. Here’s a picture:

OK, so you see the levers on the bottom. There are all these different channels, and each gets its own volume. When I was little I tried to turn up say the levers on the left, but people ridiculed me and called me names and made me feel stupid. So I left those levers on a very low volume and locked them so I wouldn’t get into trouble.

So, I still had the other levers that were “acceptable” to society. I did my best to be a whole person with that limited set of levers. I think I did a pretty good job considering the handicap. But it was hard not having a full set of options.

So one day, I just asked myself “why am I not using these over here?” Who is the person that told me not to use them? Wait, I’m successful and I trust myself, and I can make my own decisions, I’m going to use those levers! And then a whole new set of color came into my life, and I knew that I would never turn those down again, ever. They fixed me. They were the hole that haunted me.

But I wasn’t stupid. I knew why I turned them down and locked them in the first place. Because they didn’t “match” the other ones. Men aren’t supposed to have those levers. Hide them away. I had a decision to make, either turn them up and just go for it and deal with the consequences and follow the incredible happiness and wholeness they gave me or keep them locked down and stay safe and male and not stick out.

We have one life in this life, and I felt that I owed something to myself. When I looked into my heart, my heart was tired and mournful from living without those levers. The joy of seeing them was like Pandora’s Box, even if I tried to close it, I had seen it, and it would always be a part of me. I was scared as hell. I knew that using those levers would bring all kinds of judgment and scorn and some of that would hit the people around me, and I was terrified. I tried to contain it, but it was bigger than me. It was like a tsunami. I tried to do my best. I hope I did, and if I made mistakes I apologize, and I’m totally ready to clean up the mess.

But then, some of that is just up to fate. Who the hell wants to deal with something like this in this situation? Life hits you, and you have to get up and go for another round. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.