I honestly don’t know why I get all worked up here and post my emotions. The people I’m trying to reach don’t want to listen to me and think I’m sub-human or something. But! Despair is important, cause it’s getting me out of LA and up to Portland! I guess that’s a win. Life is struggle, and the stronger among us get tested equal to our strength. Life is not about happiness per se. Happiness is fleeting and should be enjoyed when it arrives and thanked when it leaves. God is a coach or teacher, not a love machine. I’ll keep going! Keep fighting! Keep smiling too :D
The main point of all my posting yesterday, and the message I hope somehow makes it to the right set of ears or eyes is that I’m a human being. I suffer just like everyone else. Yes, I’m transgender and tall and maybe odd looking at times. What do you look like? Yes, I used to be male and it’s hard to get over that if you knew me for a long time, but you have to remember that I was suffering so much more then. I just was a master of hiding it, but a lot of the times, I was terrible at hiding it. My smiles are not phony now; they’re real, and if you gave me five minutes of your time I could prove it to you. Shunning me away into a stereotype doesn’t do anyone any good.
And most of all, it’s about two little boys that don’t have both parents that they rightly deserve to know. They deserve everything, and this is just part of it. And you all know how I am with children. I have a real gift. I can give them more stability in an unstable world.
To the outside observer, when someone like me transitions (I was 30 and “male” acting), it can look like that person has become a completely different person. But that’s not what happens as far as I can feel. I’ve used a metaphor when trying to explain my transition to my brothers. Most people know what a mixer board is. Here’s a picture:
OK, so you see the levers on the bottom. There are all these different channels, and each gets its own volume. When I was little I tried to turn up say the levers on the left, but people ridiculed me and called me names and made me feel stupid. So I left those levers on a very low volume and locked them so I wouldn’t get into trouble.
So, I still had the other levers that were “acceptable” to society. I did my best to be a whole person with that limited set of levers. I think I did a pretty good job considering the handicap. But it was hard not having a full set of options.
So one day, I just asked myself “why am I not using these over here?” Who is the person that told me not to use them? Wait, I’m successful and I trust myself, and I can make my own decisions, I’m going to use those levers! And then a whole new set of color came into my life, and I knew that I would never turn those down again, ever. They fixed me. They were the hole that haunted me.
But I wasn’t stupid. I knew why I turned them down and locked them in the first place. Because they didn’t “match” the other ones. Men aren’t supposed to have those levers. Hide them away. I had a decision to make, either turn them up and just go for it and deal with the consequences and follow the incredible happiness and wholeness they gave me or keep them locked down and stay safe and male and not stick out.
We have one life in this life, and I felt that I owed something to myself. When I looked into my heart, my heart was tired and mournful from living without those levers. The joy of seeing them was like Pandora’s Box, even if I tried to close it, I had seen it, and it would always be a part of me. I was scared as hell. I knew that using those levers would bring all kinds of judgment and scorn and some of that would hit the people around me, and I was terrified. I tried to contain it, but it was bigger than me. It was like a tsunami. I tried to do my best. I hope I did, and if I made mistakes I apologize, and I’m totally ready to clean up the mess.
But then, some of that is just up to fate. Who the hell wants to deal with something like this in this situation? Life hits you, and you have to get up and go for another round. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
I’ve said a lot of things on this blog. I’ve poured my heart and soul out, and some of it has been harsh. It was pain coming out, and sometimes it was wrong or too mean. I’ve had to learn hard painful lessons about who I am, and it’s not an easy task. So if I ever said something to someone who felt like “that was uncalled for” I can accept that and apologize. The thing about me is that I hate hate, and I’ve always despised conflict. Life is too beautiful to fight. Humans have this crazy awesome ability to just drop their swords and reconcile. It’s one of our greatest gifts, to mutually apologize, even if it’s just a short truce to show that were human for a while. I will always drop my sword if I’m met with respect. That’s my faith, my faith in love and understanding and how it can heal everything. Maybe this makes me a target, but the only way to bathe and live in the shower of love is to be open and a target. So it’s a trade off. I jumped into the water ages ago, and I’m never going back, because I can smile now, and it’s a whole body smile. Love wins. Let yourself love yourself, and you will be free. My only preaching is an honest smile, so I hope I don’t sound pompous. Apologizing and giving love and letting go so you can be innocent again is the greatest thing you will ever feel. We’re here to have a good time. We’re here to dance. We’re here to smile. I’ve been in every social circle, and we’re all the same. It’s real. bye :)
I was a fool for searching for the light I thought I could find it with a smile Reaching out my hand, my hand grew heavy Now I’m listening to Counting Crows cause I’m a sap And hey that was my hey day right? When we were more than kids When love was a bitter medicine What happened to the dreams that died? Where did the light go when it was gone This is a terrible poem but still an awful memory I think I was a very good garbage woman for taking all the crap on my shoulders to the dump I just hope things got a little cleaner because of it
I’ve decided to move to Portland, yay! And I’m so excited. I’m deeply mournful that I haven’t seen my kids, but I can’t fight that fight anymore. I have no control over the situation. There is nothing more that I can do. It’s deeply sad. So sad that I have to get away from it for a while to protect myself. I won’t stop blogging though! Basically Threads of Gender is my trans-centric blog and Some Beautiful Life is my Philosophical/Spiritual blog. The Abbie empire grows every day ;)
Listen my chronologically challenged young brothers and sisters. Life is hard. Hate is all around us. Sometimes you can’t expect life to be good. There are times when you will have to walk alone and be ridiculed and laughed at. We are working to change this. Don’t give up! Keep walking to us on the other side of the valley. You will make it. I’ve been made to feel less than human more times than I can count, but I kept on walking. I’m still walking, but I’ve grown stronger. Sometimes life is a test, and you must respond to this with courage. We will cheer you on. We will speak for you. Although I don’t know your names, I know you in spirit. We are one heart, one love. Stay strong and have peace.
This is the result of the intolerance and subtle condemnation against the LGBT community. These are some of the brightest lights among our youth, and they are dropping like flies because they don’t get the extraordinary support that they need. Stop the bullies. Your tacit endorsement of their hatred fuels this kind of tragedy.
“In keeping silent about evil, in burying it so deep within us that no sign of it appears on the surface, we are implanting it, and it will rise up a thousand fold in the future. When we neither punish nor reproach evildoers, we are not simply protecting their trivial old age, we are thereby ripping the foundations of justice from beneath new generations.”
I know who’s right and who’s good and who’s fair I walk the high road, and I’ve been shamed ridiculed shunned chained threatened degraded punished humiliated
I’ve been purposely misgendered in court to belittle my decision to transition as if it is just some sort of whim and not a life saving treatment.
I haven’t seen a picture of my children in 9 months. This is a travesty. This is lower than low. I would never do such a thing as long as I breathe.
I haven’t been given a single, silly hour in 9 months just to even see my children. This is cruel and unusual and mean and spiteful, and yet all I hear is that I have to go through the courts. Have you no decency? Where is your heart? Do you not know that my children are like oxygen to me, and I suffocate without them. I’ve asked to use a monitor or ANYTHING I can do to see my children, and I’m met with silence.
I am a human being with a beating, feeling heart which has been broken too many times to count.
I walk the high road, which is the just road, which is the road of love and forgiveness and strength and peace. I’ve turned every cheek my god has given me. I’ve taken every lash with a smile on my face, and I will continue to do so, because I know I’m in the right.
I am the example my children need, and I will always be so.
I have forgiven in my heart, and I hold no outrageous grudge. Hate is a consuming darkness that I have no time for. Life is better lived when it is illuminated with true love and grace.
I will walk until I die, smiling and thanking and greeting and laughing. So, so much has been taken from me, and yet, I get happier with each day. You liberate me, because I have fewer fears with each day. I know that no matter what, no matter what little I have, I can still smile and fill my heart with happiness.
I fear not because I have faith, deep faith, and I know I walk the just path as a true example to my children.
Look a’here, some people say we got a lot of malice Some say it’s a lotta nerve I say we won’t quit moving Til we get what we deserve We’ve been buked and we’ve been scourned We’ve been treated bad, talked about As just as sure as you’re born But just as sure as it take Two eyes to make a pair, huh Brother, we can’t quit until we get our share
Transgender 101 Class is in Session Pay Attention Students
Transgender (sometimes shortened to trans or TG) people are those whose psychological self (“gender identity”) differs from the social expectations for the physical sex they were born with. To understand this, one must understand the difference between biological sex, which is one’s body (genitals, chromosomes, ect.), and social gender, which refers to levels of masculinity and femininity. Often, society conflates sex and gender, viewing them as the same thing. But, gender and sex are not the same thing.Transgender people are those whose psychological self (“gender identity”) differs from the social expectations for the physical sex they were born with. For example, a female with a masculine gender identity or who identifies as a man. An umbrella term for transsexuals, cross-dressers (transvestites), transgenderists, gender queers, and people who identify as neither female nor male and/or as neither a man or as a woman. Transgender is not a sexual orientation;transgender people may have any sexual orientation. It is important to acknowledge that while some people may fit under this definition of transgender, they may not identify as such.
Fear or hatred of transgender people; transphobia is manifested in a number of ways, including violence, harassment and discrimination.
The irrational fear and intolerance of people who are homosexual or of homosexual feelings within one’s self. This assumes that heterosexuality is superior.
I’m really over this schoolyard nonsense. Being transgender does not mean you are unstable or crazy. When you transition, you are better. I’m a sane, put together, transgender woman with a great job. No more slander. It’s time to act like adults here. I think my readers will agree? Can I get some likes here?? We are proud, responsible, intelligent, and brave women.
I’m really trying to understand the transphobia of my ex’s family and friends. They’re basically like “get it away, what are you doing?!? ewwwww!” or frozen stiff scared. So yeah…I don’t even understand that. I’m so confused. I think it is like an elementary school reaction that you don’t want to be seen with me, lol. o.O
Then they use my old male name, which is just bizarre to me. I’m not the bogeyman. I’m not faking this or anything. What planet do you people live on? I’ve moved through all of the stages of grief, now I’m in the “this is ridiculous” phase. Uhh, I have like a whole army of friends and family that support me. I’m not some loon spinning in a poppy field. I can color coordinate for God’s sake!
Time to grow up people. Hey it’s 2013, AKA the future. The Internet. Smart Phones. Blogs. Black President. Generally accepting people for who they are.
Infographic of World's Religions and Their Constituents via SomeBeautifulLife.com
Fascinating breakdown of the world’s religions. Often we seem so overwhelmed by our local majority or birth religion, and we fear creativity in religious expression. The world is a rainbow of faith. Follow your heart, and it will either lead you to some doctrine or lead you to write some doctrine. Just don’t be evil about it :D. (Click Through for Hi-Res).
What kind of monster seriously won’t send pictures to the parent of a child? I’ve cried it out a million times, but I just can’t even understand that level of existence. Can anyone answer this question?
To suffer is to learn. When I fight for custody with all that I have, when I give gifts and beg for pictures, when I seize to my god to please help me attain what I desire, when I gather what little money I have, when I beg for decency and am met with scorn and loathing, the ego must at some point die. But in the ego death, we experience the light of rebirth. Cleansed of darkness and doubt and the grease of lies, we are newborn.
But to trust in the Tao or the path or to follow the light unerringly, the fruits of our cosmic compass are peace and serenity and joy. We know that our individual gods are just, but we more importantly know that our inner cosmic compass is love.
My metaphysics is thus: life is an illusion, whether it be technologically created, as I am apt to believe, or composed of some as yet not understood ether, it does not appear to be a materialistic clockwork as the Deists would suppose. I believe there is interposition of god between the world and the ego.
Now to define my usage of the word god, I absolutely must clear up some details. First, I use the lowercase god so as not to confuse my concept with the Abrahamic monotheistic godhead. There is a convention by Christians and other similar faiths to capitalize the word God or the pronouns used to refer to this concept: He, His, etc. I absolutely do not want one to believe that I am speaking from a place of modern Christianity. I was raised in Protestanism, and I am able to see its positives without overt bias. I am by choice, a Universalist in that I believe the world Religions refer to some truth although with differing specifics of metaphysics, ontology, epistemology, and ethics, etc.
Now, the models I construct in my consciousness to approximate my metaphysical beliefs are admittedly crude. Trying to divine the whole of existence is extremely difficult and possibly impossible at this point. I am speaking with a tone of conjecture when I try and communicate what I believe. I have thoughts on the metaphysical, and I am apt to believe them at this point, but I will not put money on them, so to speak.
So back to my metaphysical definition. I’ll start with my concept of what is. I believe that life is a simulation. Man has witnessed the rapid and existential growth of computer technology over the last 50 years or so, and it is becoming increasingly easy to accept that in some future time, the ability of the synthetic computer will be so great as to create a “reality” with the perceptual complexity necessary to mimic our own experience. One popular artistic example of this is the “Matrix Reality” situation where man exists in some sort of stasis and is fed a virtual reality to his senses. This metaphor is useful to me, but I do not ascribe to the malevolent worldview evinced in that example. I am much more apt to believe that we enter into our world voluntarily for some purpose (entertainment, education, wisdom, etc).
One concept or system of concepts that buttresses my worldview is the nascent knowledge of quantum mechanics. Let me first say that I am no physicist, and I am loathe to go beyond a superficial usage of its constructs in my speech. QM introduced a concept almost a century ago showing that there exists an interaction between the perceiver and the perceived. The object of perception appears to exist in a sort of probabilistic limbo before it is spied by the consciousness of some actor. This concept has interconnected in my brain with something with which I am familiar by trade: computer programs.
To draw a metaphor from video games, when a well designed game is played by the user, there exists a situation where the game data is stored on some sort of slow access medium in binary code. This medium (hard drive, optical disc, flash memory) is typically slow yet can hold the large amounts of data necessary to recreate an entire game world. As video games have evolved over the last 30-40 years, and as computing power has increased, typically video games are now “drawn” in real time for the user. This is to say that wherever your character is looking, this portion of the game world is being drawn at that particular time. When you move forward, a new scene is “drawn” using complex polygonal representations of reality and small saved images known as textures. When you leave this scene, these objects are dropped from that quick memory to make room for other data more relevant to where you actually are in the world.
So, it is not really a stretch to draw a metaphor between this system and the world around us. If our conscious perception of reality through our senses elicits a collapse of the object from a probability to a finite amount, is not reality being drawn for our eyes, ears, skin, etc. before us? Why would the computer of reality draw out a forest in all of its complexity and load it into memory when no one has discovered it yet? It is inefficient. Efficiency in video games requires that you focus on the reality that is in front of the end user, or human.
So, if taking this to be true (I’m not asserting it with full force, I’m just extending the metaphor), one might ask “what would be the purpose of such a system?” Humans are inclined to ask this question about everything, and one could get into a long discussion about the necessity of it, but suffice to say, it is an important question.
In the Matrix world, humans are used as generators of electricity. They are fed some food product intravenously and through their metabolism, the robotic overlords can get the energy they need to survive. This is a poetic assumption which helps to facilitate the plot of the movie and create and “us vs. them” theme, which is necessary in the artform of movies. Is is a reasonable assumption though? Why not just incubate cows and project a perfect unending field of grass on which to graze? I haven’t been able to answer that one. Cows are less apt than humans to foment revolution, just a little…
I think the basic question here is the duality of a malevolent universe vs a benevolent universe. I accept the concept of the “disinterested” universe, but I’m going to skip that for now. The Matrix virtual reality supposes a malevolent universe in that humans’ lives are being used for nefarious purposes other than their own will. This is plausible I suppose, but I’m not convinced on this one.
The flip side would be a benevolent universe. Let’s instead call it a “useful universe.” In this example, the users or actors in this universe enter into its existence for some purpose. I listed a few such motives already: entertainment, education, wisdom. This world could be some fantastic theme park ride that lasts 120 years yet is felt in a much shorter time period. This world could also be some psychological test environment through which the user is able to learn about the nature of free thought and action. This world could be a reformatory simulation in that “undesirables” are made to live in it until they learn some lesson that they could not learn in their supra-life (the bigger existence).
The last example I think would coincide with the tenets of Buddhism quite nicely. I’m not going to explain all I know of Buddhist thought, but there exists in this belief system the idea that we are constantly reborn until we reach a state of perfection and enter into Nirvana. Could this be that we have finished the game? Could each life be a specific lesson to impart a specific skill to the user? This is where the conjecture that I spoke of earlier becomes readily apparent. These questions might end up being unanswerable. They might be unanswerable on purpose. Who creates a video game that can be hacked on the first level? Also if you were able to attain immortality, would you find pleasure in living a life that was short and finite?
So that is an exposition to the crude sketch of my metaphysics. Life is a simulation. We reincarnate for some purpose. We can escape this cycle, but not until the game says so.
If we create a disorder for every aberrant experience, what is left for being “normal?” Disordering every significantly “different” worldview implies that we have even figured out what “normal” is. It is an implicit affirmation that we know what the proper worldview is. Do we? Wars, depression, suicide, hatred, terrorism, distrust, extreme violence, lies, environmental destruction, climate change, on, and, on…
If this is our goal, I don’t want to be “normal.” I want to strike out boldly against the cognitive chains that bind us and hold us and lash us. I’ve followed the light of serenity and love, and I will never go back. A year of this life > 30 years of my previous existence.
"Love will come through, it’s just waiting for you" Fran Healy, Travis.
A little wordplay there. Faith and Reason are not mortal enemies. That’s the dumbest thing since I heard that Kris Kross are getting back together. I’ll wear my pants properly, thank you very much!
Back to what I was saying. What was I saying? Oh, that real faith requires one to analyze and use skepticism when interpreting events. You can’t just go with blind faith. Faith is a cloudy, obfuscated thing. You try and figure it out, and it flips and turns over on you. It’s wily and capricious.
But! I don’t think it’s unknowable. Think of faith as if it were some blurry painting that you could not quite make out. Well, reason supplies the spectacles in this situation, and it’s the job of the seeker to find the right spot to use those magic lenses to interpret the foggy, confused projection that is the object of faith.
Now, if you were a photographer, and you had to get the best shots, how would you feel if you were fenced in to a ten by ten enclosure, and you just had to make it work from there. Obviously, you would think that there were better angles to be tried if you could walk around the object freely.
I’m transgender, and I was in a box very, very early in life. I had to lock up a lot of those glasses because they were unacceptable to society. So I was limited, and I had to do my best with the leftovers I had. I got really good with that limited set of tools, and well, I survived. But a ton of us don’t survive because we don’t have the tools we need to make it in life.
Now, I’m not talking about hammers and screwdrivers. I’m talking about being able to cry openly, being able to bond with another human being in that specifically female and Platonic way, being able to shout with glee and “sound like a girl” well duh that’s what I was! These things are the psychological tools that we use to get through the hardship in life. Life is super-rocky and we need every outlet we can find.
Now, I have a full tool set thank you very much! Well actually, I have this little tool set that I got at a garage sale, but enough about tools. My inference from all of this is that you have to be free to use Reason to figure out Faith. And you can’t have asinine rules about what is appropriate and not appropriate. That’s just a bunch of red tape meant to limit your ability to see the thing we all know you really want to see, whatever it is. I think it’s a Spaghetti Monster, but I probably just drank too much coffee.
Use all of your abilities to thrive. Don’t limit yourself. Every time you say “no I can’t do that” you’re selling out your faith to the conductors of this insane train. Grab your faith, put it under the microscope of well reasoned thought and doubt and skepticism, and figure some stuff out. It’s pretty rewarding when you do.
I was kind of forced to jump outside of the red tape. Society pushed me out, and I was all alone, for the most part, but there are some other folks out here. But you can’t see God or the gods or the Holy Spirit or Vishnu or the Spaghetti monster in their whole complete glory if you’re standing in the little box the managers gave you. Jump out! Test the waters.
So I was in Target tonight, and I picked out a few toys and some Valentine’s day cards for my boys. Here’s one of them:
I hope they are playing with the toys I got them for Christmas right now. I’m trying to remember what I got them, I think it was Thomas related, oh! I remember, I got my big buddy the movie Brave, that’s one. There was a bunch of stuff, anyway… Well this just got my mind going about how the last year has gone for me, since I think I retold the details about 5 times today. So…
I can handle that I haven’t received a picture in 8+ months even though I’ve pleaded for pictures too many times to count.
I can handle that I, well, don’t get to see them and haven’t for 8+ months even though I’ve asked for all kinds of simple ways of visitation even as small as an hour a week.
I can handle that I can’t even send a gift card to the other parent without hearing from the authorities.
I can handle that I can’t use specific words to describe myself online for various reasons.
I can handle that my parents, their grandparents haven’t seen them in just as long a time and haven’t seen pictures as well. This goes for Great Grandparents too.
I can handle that I have to pay extra support and attorney’s fees without seeing my kids to the point that I am pretty much strapped.
I can handle that I get no response from emails time after time again to the lawyer.
The thing that I just can’t handle, and it breaks me up inside is that my boys are growing up only seeing one of their two parents. I just can’t handle that, and it makes me very, very sad. I wish I could give them back the year plus that it’s been, but that time’s gone. So, I’m moving on to Portland for a while, to get away from something I just can’t stand to see or even think about. I hope it helps.