I have one memory that really sticks out more than almost any other.
I was 15, I think.
Of course, I was a boy/man, I’m starting to have a hard time envisioning that.
Anyway, back to the memory, that you are making me spill out
on the internet
like a beaded necklace, broken, spilling and spreading out
and you don’t care about it so you just let it go
and say “I’ll pick it up later, what a mess.”
I. Was. Tall.
I use the periods for emphasis, because, I’m guessing, most tall, transgender women had this experience that I’m getting to growing up, and when they put my two with their two they’ll understand that that little sentence holds a whole lot of well…height?
So. It’s odd, because, I had no idea how I felt at the time, but I’ve gone back and decoded these emotions for my sad, unkempt, little, tall, girl with a bad haircut self.
I am going through great pains to try and explain how I felt, and it’s making me reexamine this experience. Free therapy! Thanks Internet and its bag o’ people. (maybe that could be like the new Santa Claus in 200 years, The Internet and its bag o’ Facebook friends, ok get back to the story).
You know the movie Being John Malkovich? If you haven’t seen it then, you’ll probably have to exit the ride here.
Well, so in the movie, people see through his eyes, and I see through my 15 year old self’s eyes, and I feel like a 15 year old girl wearing a huge man costume that basically says “hey come look at me and present me with experiences that will be overwhelming and lead to confusion and unhappiness.” Well it didn’t say that, but, so the point is that there is a terrified girl in there, and she’s got this carapace (a funny word for a turtle shell kinda thing) that she’s got to operate.
That’s pretty much the entire point/thing/it/duh/yeah/der/whatever about being transgender. You feel like you are working a suit that isn’t your’s!
Queue a thousand Tumblrs with Mecha Anime etc ahhhhhhhh the animated GIFs are blinding me! Make it stop!!!