The World is unraveling one thread at a time

My Spiritual/Religious Altar:
The Dude or El Duderino: if you’re not into the whole brevity thing. If you click the link you’ll be taken to Dudeism.com which pretty much speaks for itself.
Zen Cat: I’m not a capital B Buddhist, but I am largely aligned with the beliefs that Siddhartha originated. I believe that life is primarily a challenge where suffering is natural and cannot be eliminated. I believe that we must find balance in all things to achieve inner peace and enlightenment.
Buddy Christ: I was raised as a Protestant Christian. My dad was actually a Baptist Minister for a few years, so my youth was bathed in the messages of Christianity, for better or worse. Also, my extended family is Christian. I like the tongue in cheek nature of Buddy Christ, and I personally believe Jesus would have thought it was hilarious. I take from Christianity what I like. I think the current state of Christianity is abhorrent and is more interested in perpetuating the success of its religion than living according to the teachings of Jesus. In many respects if you want to live according to Jesus, you should do the opposite of what many modern Christians do. This is really sad. Also Jesus really didn’t give a fuck if you were gender non-conforming. He preceded Lady Gaga by 2,000 years when he said:

“For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”  Matthew 19:12 NIV

Sekmhet: “In Egyptian mythology, Sekhmet was originally the warrior goddess as well as goddess of healing for Upper Egypt. She is depicted as a lioness, the fiercest hunter known to the Egyptians. It was said that her breath formed the desert. She was seen as the protector of the pharaohs and led them in warfare.” I picked this statue up the other day. This bad-ass is the symbol of me going back to fight for my kids. Look out!

My Spiritual/Religious Altar:

  • The Dude or El Duderino: if you’re not into the whole brevity thing. If you click the link you’ll be taken to Dudeism.com which pretty much speaks for itself.
  • Zen Cat: I’m not a capital B Buddhist, but I am largely aligned with the beliefs that Siddhartha originated. I believe that life is primarily a challenge where suffering is natural and cannot be eliminated. I believe that we must find balance in all things to achieve inner peace and enlightenment.
  • Buddy Christ: I was raised as a Protestant Christian. My dad was actually a Baptist Minister for a few years, so my youth was bathed in the messages of Christianity, for better or worse. Also, my extended family is Christian. I like the tongue in cheek nature of Buddy Christ, and I personally believe Jesus would have thought it was hilarious. I take from Christianity what I like. I think the current state of Christianity is abhorrent and is more interested in perpetuating the success of its religion than living according to the teachings of Jesus. In many respects if you want to live according to Jesus, you should do the opposite of what many modern Christians do. This is really sad. Also Jesus really didn’t give a fuck if you were gender non-conforming. He preceded Lady Gaga by 2,000 years when he said:

For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”  Matthew 19:12 NIV

  • Sekmhet: “In Egyptian mythology, Sekhmet was originally the warrior goddess as well as goddess of healing for Upper Egypt. She is depicted as a lioness, the fiercest hunter known to the Egyptians. It was said that her breath formed the desert. She was seen as the protector of the pharaohs and led them in warfare.” I picked this statue up the other day. This bad-ass is the symbol of me going back to fight for my kids. Look out!

Let Go

If you use all of your comfortable life figuring out how to avoid suffering, you’ve turned suffering into a god, a horrible, wrathful, vengeful god.

If you just believe that suffering is a natural part of life that cannot be avoided, it has much less power.

You cannot have happiness without suffering.

Suffering is a component of life, just like there is hydrogen in water.

Let life be. It will show you where to go. You just have to pay attention and take your hands off the wheel occasionally.

The web of life will catch you. You have a driver that you don’t even know exists.

Balance Ohmmmmmmnomnomnom

I just got back from acupuncture. I stopped and ate a bacon, egg, and cheese burger called the Barnyard burger from a food truck on the way home. Now I’m drinking carrot juice.

It’s all about balance people. Walk that middle path.

What happened?

How did my life go from fairly ordinary to just hanging on? Being transgender is so odd. It’s like stepping into prison to be free. Maybe not for everyone, but for me it was and is. I don’t know what to think about that. I do have an Ashoka Chakra tattoo, which is an Indian Buddhist symbol, so I guess that’s the closet thing to a religion or set of spiritual principles to me. A principle of Buddhism is that there is inherent anxiety in life, because of its nature, so I just accept certain things as a normal part of the fabric of life. We don’t get upset because we can’t take deeper breaths than we do. It’s life. Big deal. Right?

Well accepting that fact is difficult. Few obtain perfect understanding of it. I try. I forget my philosophy sometimes because it doesn’t fit into the everyday concerns so neatly. I should meditate more.

Well, that’s about it. Life is hard. Deal with it, and move on.

By the way, I enjoy Buddhism, or rather I agree with Siddhartha. He wasn’t trying to start a religion, so much as pass on some amazing principles that he stumbled upon. I have different mythology than him or them, but I accept many of Buddhism’s principles as arrived to in different paths to wisdom. I use mythology as a logical framework for the metaphysical which is ostensibly unknown at this time. Whatever. I’m not a Buddhist, but I try to think like one.

Bye bye!

The End is the Beginning

All life is suffering. Life is a struggle, accept it. The good stuff in life is the suffering. You learn when you suffer. 

I’ve strayed from my spiritual center as of late. The trials and stresses of my life have pushed me off-kilter. I have also let them do it too. I must remember that life is a sneaky, wily, crazy trick. Life works against you. It is the same as if when you train your body, you use weights to increase the challenge. Life uses weights to increase the suffering you feel. One might ask “why increase the pain in the world?” but the answer is that you cannot have more joy without more pain. 

When you look to the sides of your vision as you power through your days, you will see little coincidences, footprints of the divine. There is a pattern and path to life if you choose to follow it. Beautifully, things will dovetail together. My life is reaching a very important turning point in the next month. My name will be changed tomorrow, I have a new employer, I’m moving back to California, I’m reopening my custody case. Many threads are coming together.

I must always remember my peace. I don’t know if I would call myself a Buddhist, but that is probably the closest belief system to my own. Honestly, I’ve made my own belief system, and I think all people who seek wisdom should do the same. I believe that Siddhartha would not have called himself a Buddhist. He would have said that he is himself following his own path. 

Life is so beautiful. Even in its ugliness it is beautifully designed. My struggle continues. I believe that I am “winning” in life when I am not allowing life to control my state of mind. I can remain placid and calm while all around me chaos spins, because I know that I am on the right path. If you can see and recognize your one true path, then the most exotic locales will be like your living room at home. 

I have fears and doubts. I am human. If you didn’t have fears, you would be dead within a day. But I do have a great and powerful source of love and happiness that shines a light around me so as to scare away any who would do me harm. 

Have peace. 

Abbie

The meaning of my tattoo and my understanding of the world and all that is

image

   I had been planning on getting this tattoo for some time. I designed it with my cousin who is a wonderful artist. She fleshed it out in watercolor. The middle of the tattoo is what is known as an Ashoka Chakra. Ashoka or Ashoka the Great was a ruler of India in about the 3rd century BCE. At first, he came to power through force and violent conquest. He was feared as a tyrant and warrior king.
   However, Buddhism was beginning to grow in India as Siddhartha had lived a few centuries past. The final battles in which he triumphed disturbed and troubled him, and he turned to Buddhism for solace. He realized that he had to change his ways to find peace. He decided to try and spread Buddhism as far and wide as he could. He developed institutions in India where scholars Buddhist and non-Buddhist could come together and learn and grow.
  He introduced the practice of not eating Cattle and sought to limit the over-fishing of certain wild fish. He ended hunting practices that had been practiced and was one of the first advocates of “animal rights.”
   The wheel in the middle of the tattoo represents the 12 Laws of Dependent Origination and the 12 Laws of Dependent Termination. Basically these are 12 tenets of Buddhism and the 12 in reverse.
   The animals around the wheel represent animal statues that I used in my room during my very difficult transition to symbolize different concepts. The Bear is a symbol of Strength. The Cat is a symbol of Affection. The Rooster is a symbol of Courage. The Frog is a symbol of Change. The Elephant is a symbol of Memory.
   These concepts and my belief in a modified version of Buddhism have brought me solace and peace and have allowed me to keep walking forward through many trials and challenges. If I had not had this spiritual belief, I do not think I would have made it through the darkness: Not seeing my children. Losing all of my money and my possessions. Going through transition and being viewed as some sort of freak.
   It has been the hardest year and a half of my life and also the most rewarding. Through suffering, I’ve found deep peace and understanding of what is. I now walk with the calm presence of the spirit around me. I am so happy and satisfied now. Life is a beautiful gift that we must cherish and love. Peace and happiness are possible for all people.

Hormones

I got my hormones today from my naturopathic doc! She had to use lidocaine which had epinephrine in it. Nowww I’mmmm shakingggg from it :). She’s a total quack!

No seriously, she’s awesome. I’m lucky to have her. I got testosterone and estrogen subdermal pellets. Yay! Combined with not drinking I think I’m going to feel the best I’ve been in ages.

The Dalai Lama was just here the other day! How awesome is that! No wonder I’ve been so spiritually in tune. All is peace, and peace is all that is.

What next? My beliefs cannot be ignored within my heart.

I feel so incredibly different than everyone. All of my obsessing has taken me to a desert Island. God of my understanding, why is life like this? Who are these people? They are so foreign to me. Where are the mystics and scientists both? What will be the end of my story?

What is wrong with the world that it is filled with such horror? I know it is illusion, but it just seems so counter productive. Where has the infinite love of spirit gone? Why are those who smile and welcoming discarded?

There is peace. I have seen and lived it. I have seen the promise, the Moksha. I have seen the perfection that is all and one the same. I have stared in bliss at the truth of my understanding. Where do I go? Now I am wasted in a corner of nowhere.

How will I share what needs to be shared? Will they listen? All I can expect is that they prefer to be hypnotized by consumption than talk of eternity or perfection. Will anyone follow me? Life is meaningless next to what lies beyond.

Am I to be a lonely prophet? What do I do next? Or are these people just not ready?

Death is illusion. Rebirth is real. You must walk forward in faith to move beyond this level of existence. You are here to train for your future in the world of greater reality. Lift your hearts and walk towards death knowing that you will not find it until you are ready. Death will come as birth came. You did not choose to be born, and you cannot chose not to die.

Does anyone ask the question of why science has not eradicated suffering? Suffering pervades our environment, and we have run full speed from the natural world. Suffering is life. Siddhartha saw this as he stared into his consciousness. I have seen it too. This is enlightenment.

Life in some ways resembles a joke and you should laugh at it. The God of our understanding is like a coach who will continually adjust the speed of the treadmill to keep your suffering at a static level. You are being trained. Of course you can choose not to train, but you will never progress to Nirvana or release from suffering. Also, suffering is not to be viewed as an evil. Suffering is the basis for education.

Proving these things requires great and deep thought and contemplation. No one should believe something without tremendous doubt and questioning. But the truth of life is always in the background.

Rest and cry and recover. You will be well. You will be well.