The World is unraveling one thread at a time

Where I go from here, ExPat bound

Having been through nightmare after nightmare for the last 2-3 years post coming out as a transgender woman, my personality has been tested with each new disaster. I don’t know what will happen next, but in some ways, I feel honored to be treated so miserably. I have deep faith in God, not a Christian god, but a God of my understanding. I know I am being led in the right direction to be an advocate for my people. I’m on the edge of tears right now as I write, but they are not tears of sadness; they are tears of an overwhelmed heart after reading about the people that came out this year.

I know that God loves fags and judges people like Fred Phelps. God does not know hate, because he or she sees things on a higher level of which we are not privy. However, there exists a dark side to life. I don’t believe in a universe without choice, and we all have the choice to choose life-affirming decisions that celebrate love and humanity and nature, or we can choose self-destructive and negative paths. The devil is real, but he’s more insidious than people think. I say “the devil” but it’s more of a metaphor for egotism and selfish and self-destructive behavior. Life is hard. I view it as a test; I would say I’m about 75% Buddhist, and as Siddhartha said “all life is suffering.” I also deconstruct this sentence as to mean that suffering is where real life happens. It’s where we choose who we are. It’s where we choose to honor our Godhood and be more than just simple humans but powerful actors in the drama of the story of life.

When I decided to come out, it was motivated by pain, but it was also motivated by joy. I saw who I was when I looked inward and saw that the little boy or girl that I was born as was special and beautiful, and I didn’t have to run from it anymore. I know that when I use the ‘God’ word around LGBT people, they can get uncomfortable. It took me a very long time to get comfortable with the concept. I hated the idea of God for a long time, because all I’d ever heard was that God hated me, and I knew I wasn’t a bad person, so I grew allergic to the thought of God. Even now, I get pissed about God or spirituality. There is so much awfulness in the world. I think we live in a Dark Ages, even though we are told how enlightened our age is. I view this as Orwellian propaganda. Most people’s ‘mana meter’ is at 10%. People go to phony churches with phony pastors to hear about phony conceptions of God. Don’t get me wrong, I hate false religion like modern day Christianity with all of the judgment I can muster. These people like Joel Osteen are supreme devils.

So I quit my job, and I’m leaving America. I can’t take this awful country anymore. It is a total garbage state. People here sicken me. The level of inequality is gross. The fact that ultra-rich people hoard money that can save and improve the lives of the poor is abhorrent. Part of the reason I’m leaving the country is so that I can turn up the volume on what I say. I’m worried for my safety if I say what I really think while living here. I love Americans, but I hate America. America has always been one of the most evil states to ever exist. Yes, we have made strides to change, but we also have blood on our hands that will not wash away by renaming a month to [insert group of people we’ve annihilated] history month. America will not survive without a total fundamental reshaping of its character. I have ideas as to how to do this because of insights I’ve received and hard work studying the world and life in general. Also, I’m not so stupid as to think the rest of the world is so wonderful, but I’ll give it a chance thank you very much. O muchas gracias; quiero salir de aqui.

I think I know how to change the world, but right now, I can’t do it from here. Most people, even people I trusted, just want me to go away. Well your wish is my command!

Poof!

Somewhere ahead of the pack with a cute pink hammer

image

I’m  still trying to figure out how I feel about being thrust ahead of everyone else in terms of understanding the world by my studies and experiences. It might sound arrogant, but I’d use a word with less of a pejorative meaning. I just started listening to myself over others from a very young age. I tried to conform in my twenties, but that was a failure, and I’ve never really looked back from there.

Anyway, my understanding of the universe feels like it’s ahead of 99% of people, and I’m not terribly smarter than average. I suck at reading books; I can hardly concentrate without getting lost in thoughts and realizing I just “read” 3 pages that I can’t even remember. My math skills aren’t amazing, but I know where to go for answers. I can’t program worth a damn except for scripting. But, because I listen to my own conscience, I’ve been able to throw a lot of terrible, time-wasting, and self-destructive ideas out.

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My Spiritual/Religious Altar:
The Dude or El Duderino: if you’re not into the whole brevity thing. If you click the link you’ll be taken to Dudeism.com which pretty much speaks for itself.
Zen Cat: I’m not a capital B Buddhist, but I am largely aligned with the beliefs that Siddhartha originated. I believe that life is primarily a challenge where suffering is natural and cannot be eliminated. I believe that we must find balance in all things to achieve inner peace and enlightenment.
Buddy Christ: I was raised as a Protestant Christian. My dad was actually a Baptist Minister for a few years, so my youth was bathed in the messages of Christianity, for better or worse. Also, my extended family is Christian. I like the tongue in cheek nature of Buddy Christ, and I personally believe Jesus would have thought it was hilarious. I take from Christianity what I like. I think the current state of Christianity is abhorrent and is more interested in perpetuating the success of its religion than living according to the teachings of Jesus. In many respects if you want to live according to Jesus, you should do the opposite of what many modern Christians do. This is really sad. Also Jesus really didn’t give a fuck if you were gender non-conforming. He preceded Lady Gaga by 2,000 years when he said:

“For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”  Matthew 19:12 NIV

Sekmhet: “In Egyptian mythology, Sekhmet was originally the warrior goddess as well as goddess of healing for Upper Egypt. She is depicted as a lioness, the fiercest hunter known to the Egyptians. It was said that her breath formed the desert. She was seen as the protector of the pharaohs and led them in warfare.” I picked this statue up the other day. This bad-ass is the symbol of me going back to fight for my kids. Look out!

My Spiritual/Religious Altar:

  • The Dude or El Duderino: if you’re not into the whole brevity thing. If you click the link you’ll be taken to Dudeism.com which pretty much speaks for itself.
  • Zen Cat: I’m not a capital B Buddhist, but I am largely aligned with the beliefs that Siddhartha originated. I believe that life is primarily a challenge where suffering is natural and cannot be eliminated. I believe that we must find balance in all things to achieve inner peace and enlightenment.
  • Buddy Christ: I was raised as a Protestant Christian. My dad was actually a Baptist Minister for a few years, so my youth was bathed in the messages of Christianity, for better or worse. Also, my extended family is Christian. I like the tongue in cheek nature of Buddy Christ, and I personally believe Jesus would have thought it was hilarious. I take from Christianity what I like. I think the current state of Christianity is abhorrent and is more interested in perpetuating the success of its religion than living according to the teachings of Jesus. In many respects if you want to live according to Jesus, you should do the opposite of what many modern Christians do. This is really sad. Also Jesus really didn’t give a fuck if you were gender non-conforming. He preceded Lady Gaga by 2,000 years when he said:

For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”  Matthew 19:12 NIV

  • Sekmhet: “In Egyptian mythology, Sekhmet was originally the warrior goddess as well as goddess of healing for Upper Egypt. She is depicted as a lioness, the fiercest hunter known to the Egyptians. It was said that her breath formed the desert. She was seen as the protector of the pharaohs and led them in warfare.” I picked this statue up the other day. This bad-ass is the symbol of me going back to fight for my kids. Look out!

The End is the Beginning

All life is suffering. Life is a struggle, accept it. The good stuff in life is the suffering. You learn when you suffer. 

I’ve strayed from my spiritual center as of late. The trials and stresses of my life have pushed me off-kilter. I have also let them do it too. I must remember that life is a sneaky, wily, crazy trick. Life works against you. It is the same as if when you train your body, you use weights to increase the challenge. Life uses weights to increase the suffering you feel. One might ask “why increase the pain in the world?” but the answer is that you cannot have more joy without more pain. 

When you look to the sides of your vision as you power through your days, you will see little coincidences, footprints of the divine. There is a pattern and path to life if you choose to follow it. Beautifully, things will dovetail together. My life is reaching a very important turning point in the next month. My name will be changed tomorrow, I have a new employer, I’m moving back to California, I’m reopening my custody case. Many threads are coming together.

I must always remember my peace. I don’t know if I would call myself a Buddhist, but that is probably the closest belief system to my own. Honestly, I’ve made my own belief system, and I think all people who seek wisdom should do the same. I believe that Siddhartha would not have called himself a Buddhist. He would have said that he is himself following his own path. 

Life is so beautiful. Even in its ugliness it is beautifully designed. My struggle continues. I believe that I am “winning” in life when I am not allowing life to control my state of mind. I can remain placid and calm while all around me chaos spins, because I know that I am on the right path. If you can see and recognize your one true path, then the most exotic locales will be like your living room at home. 

I have fears and doubts. I am human. If you didn’t have fears, you would be dead within a day. But I do have a great and powerful source of love and happiness that shines a light around me so as to scare away any who would do me harm. 

Have peace. 

Abbie

United States of Boredom

America is a sad place. There is no room for variation here. People are desperately trying to be “normal” left and right. Even those people who appear to be individuals often are just trying to mimic some lesser social norm or subgroup. I don’t know why this is necessarily. I suppose it has something to do with industrialization or something. But it’s a terribly rigid and boring place. You are all fucking boring me to tears. And it’s not that I haven’t tried to find interesting things; I have. No one has the intelligence or education necessary to be remotely distinctive in a constructive manner. It’s not enough to just say “I’m acting differently.” One should be distinctive for logical reasons such as by utilizing inherent talents. America is a wasteland of beige homogeneity. All I can do is sleep. At least my dreams are more interesting than this dystopia.

I used to be fascinated with the character John from the novel Brave New World. He was an outsider that got to view that particular dystopia through foreign eyes. He saw the banality and artificiality of it all. Now I know why I idealized him so; I am he. Humanity deserves what it gets. You can’t run a world without education. Sending people through diploma mills is not true education. One must be autodidactic (a self learner).

Living life with maybe only a handful of peers among millions is quite miserable. I try and make friends, but they are not peers. They are riddled with fear. Fear is the true American drug. We profess to have “no fear” when in reality we wouldn’t know what to do without it. And what are we supposed to be afraid of? Death? I believe in reincarnation and a benevolent universe. How am I supposed to be afraid of death? Am I supposed to be frightened of a 3rd grade level bogeyman like The Devil? Ooooh I’m shaking!

Whatever. Keep marching in a circle. Don’t look behind the curtain. Don’t miss your regularly prescribed medication. If you get anxious, just turn up the volume on your flat screen TV a few notches. Don’t worry. It is all under control.

I think a few people are starting to wake up to what’s really going on, but I woke up a long time ago. This society forced me to wake up because it labeled me a faggot and a pervert and a weirdo. Fine, try and figure out what’s going on people. I’ll be over here waiting for you when you wise up.

Here are my clues: General fear is an awful drug and is not natural. There is an energetic, immaterial soul or spirit. Christianity might have started OK, but it’s been a fear factory for about 1500 years. Buddhism is pretty close, but Buddha was not a Buddhist. Intuition works. Life resets when you die.

That should get you started.

Being non-Christian and experiencing Spirituality

I hate how Christians have this double standard that says if you are experiencing any kind of mystical or spiritual experience, you might be off your rocker. The Christian church is built on mystical experience. Practically all of the saints experienced something like this. I guess if you don’t go to church on Sunday, your experiences are invalid.

A post I made on /r/Religion about how I was a strict Atheist and now I’m very much a believer in a higher power.

OK, I’m one of the few people that I know of that has gone full Atheist and back. I was raised in the Protestant church; my dad was a Baptist minister. I pretty much passively accepted what the church had to offer. However, later in my adolescence I began to have severe conflicts with my imposed Christian faith. I am a bisexual and transgender woman, meaning I grew up as a boy and then decided to transition to living as a woman when I turned 30. I internalized a tremendous amount of self-loathing and shame along the way.

So, when I was about oh 23 or so, I had been studying philosophy, mostly western, and had been growing quite apathetic in a spiritual sense. I think it’s quite in fashion to be an Atheist when young these days, especially when one is gifted with a scientific mind and training. I then discovered the works of Ayn Rand, and I became immersed in what I thought was “the truth” about reality. I adopted this worldview rather universally and quickly. I “learned” that reality is a materialistic and objective thing where truth is only that which is scientifically verifiable. This was the height of my disbelief in the supra-real or supernatural.

Well, ultimately this did not stick, in that I continued to dissect my own beliefs and rely on my intellectual curiosity to grow my understanding of existence. Throughout my 20’s I slowly opened the door to things and experiences that did not fit into the materialist worldview. I’ve always experienced strange phenomena in my life: call it ESP or psychic phenomena, strange synchronicities, etc. This exploration slowly grew in me like some sort of plant, slowly over time.

Fast forward to when I decided to transition from male to female. I was at the end of my rope; I was quite suicidal being male. So I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to transition. Well this did not come without consequence. I was married with two children at the time. I’m going to truncate a little for the sake of brevity, but I ended up in a very messy divorce, and I lost custody of my two children. It was definitely the most painful year of my life and also the most fascinating and strange.

I was stressed to unbelievable levels, and this combined with that growing sense that there was something more to life than what can be verified through science. I also am a layperson student of physics as a complement to my studies in Philosophy and metaphysics, and I integrate some of the verifiable irregularities found in Quantum Mechanics in my skepticism of the materialistic worldview.

So, THEN, I started to experience odd visions and semi-possessions that have persisted to this day. I began to experiment with the occult and esoteric religions in hope of better understanding these things.

Anyway, I don’t want to drone on forever, but I was a very strict Atheist, and now I have a deep connection to something larger and interactive. You can call it a higher power or god or gods; I really don’t care about labels. I do believe that my life has purpose now. I am made to fight to see my kids again and to bring some sort of solace to the world by spreading the deep love to which I have been exposed.

Report: US Protestants lose majority status →

I think there is a fascinating change going on in the United States. I bet if you took these percentages from people 30 years old and younger, the number of unaffiliated would be very high. A lot of people don’t realize how dead organized religion is in Europe compared to the US. We just take it for granted that most people say they attend church or temple or what have you. Now we get to hear the haters say how much they hate people that say they are “spiritual but not religious.” I’m sorry, capital R Religion dropped the ball a looooong time ago. We grew up through Reagan and Bush squared and our eyes just about roll out of our heads when we hear someone talking about fundamentalism or protestantism.

That being said! God is not dead. Sorry Nietzsche; it’s just that the understanding and the metaphysics of spirituality is undergoing a paradigm shift, a BIG one.