Having been through nightmare after nightmare for the last 2-3 years post coming out as a transgender woman, my personality has been tested with each new disaster. I don’t know what will happen next, but in some ways, I feel honored to be treated so miserably. I have deep faith in God, not a Christian god, but a God of my understanding. I know I am being led in the right direction to be an advocate for my people. I’m on the edge of tears right now as I write, but they are not tears of sadness; they are tears of an overwhelmed heart after reading about the people that came out this year.
I know that God loves fags and judges people like Fred Phelps. God does not know hate, because he or she sees things on a higher level of which we are not privy. However, there exists a dark side to life. I don’t believe in a universe without choice, and we all have the choice to choose life-affirming decisions that celebrate love and humanity and nature, or we can choose self-destructive and negative paths. The devil is real, but he’s more insidious than people think. I say “the devil” but it’s more of a metaphor for egotism and selfish and self-destructive behavior. Life is hard. I view it as a test; I would say I’m about 75% Buddhist, and as Siddhartha said “all life is suffering.” I also deconstruct this sentence as to mean that suffering is where real life happens. It’s where we choose who we are. It’s where we choose to honor our Godhood and be more than just simple humans but powerful actors in the drama of the story of life.
When I decided to come out, it was motivated by pain, but it was also motivated by joy. I saw who I was when I looked inward and saw that the little boy or girl that I was born as was special and beautiful, and I didn’t have to run from it anymore. I know that when I use the ‘God’ word around LGBT people, they can get uncomfortable. It took me a very long time to get comfortable with the concept. I hated the idea of God for a long time, because all I’d ever heard was that God hated me, and I knew I wasn’t a bad person, so I grew allergic to the thought of God. Even now, I get pissed about God or spirituality. There is so much awfulness in the world. I think we live in a Dark Ages, even though we are told how enlightened our age is. I view this as Orwellian propaganda. Most people’s ‘mana meter’ is at 10%. People go to phony churches with phony pastors to hear about phony conceptions of God. Don’t get me wrong, I hate false religion like modern day Christianity with all of the judgment I can muster. These people like Joel Osteen are supreme devils.
So I quit my job, and I’m leaving America. I can’t take this awful country anymore. It is a total garbage state. People here sicken me. The level of inequality is gross. The fact that ultra-rich people hoard money that can save and improve the lives of the poor is abhorrent. Part of the reason I’m leaving the country is so that I can turn up the volume on what I say. I’m worried for my safety if I say what I really think while living here. I love Americans, but I hate America. America has always been one of the most evil states to ever exist. Yes, we have made strides to change, but we also have blood on our hands that will not wash away by renaming a month to [insert group of people we’ve annihilated] history month. America will not survive without a total fundamental reshaping of its character. I have ideas as to how to do this because of insights I’ve received and hard work studying the world and life in general. Also, I’m not so stupid as to think the rest of the world is so wonderful, but I’ll give it a chance thank you very much. O muchas gracias; quiero salir de aqui.
I think I know how to change the world, but right now, I can’t do it from here. Most people, even people I trusted, just want me to go away. Well your wish is my command!